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The Holy Scripture of the Fellowship — Revised Standard Odometer Edition
Ignition • Civic • Accord • Lamentations of Gary • Odyssey • Apocrypha
1:1 In the beginning was the Engine, and the Engine was idle.
1:2 And the Void was without form, and without fuel injection; and darkness was upon the face of the parking lot.
1:3 And a Voice said, Let there be a key; and there was a key. And the key turned.
1:4 And the Engine turned over on the first try, as it would every morning thereafter, for all of time, even in the cold.
1:5 And the Voice saw the Engine, that it was reliable; and it divided the light from the darkness, and called the light Headlight, and the darkness it called Night Driving.
1:6 And on the first day the odometer read 000001, and it was good.
Commentary (Brother Gary): The Fellowship holds that the universe is an odometer. Every moment that passes is a mile. When the cosmos reaches 999,999 it rolls back to zero and everything begins again. Only Jeremy knows the current mileage. He has never said. We have asked. The mileage is said to be written in six sigils, scattered like hubcaps along the road. ⟁ II · 3
3:1 And it came to pass on the fifteenth Interstate, that a man of little faith and a 1989 sedan was stranded in the desert.
3:2 And seventeen cars passed him by; a Buick, and a Ford, and a Dodge, and fourteen whose make is not recorded, for they were not Hondas.
3:3 And the eighteenth car slowed, and its hazard lights were lit, flashing in the manner of a heartbeat.
3:4 And a man stepped out, and his name was Jeremy, and he was of the line of Williams.
3:5 And he opened the hood, and he beheld the radiator hose, that it was split, and he was not afraid.
3:6 And Jeremy reached into his pocket and brought forth a zip tie; and into the other pocket and brought forth a granola bar; and he ate the granola bar, and he used the wrapper.
3:7 And the hose was made whole.
3:8 And Jeremy looked upon the sedan, and he looked upon Gary, and he spake: Man… you should’ve bought a Honda.
3:9 And Gary wept, for he knew it to be true.
3:16 For Jeremy so loved the Honda, that he gave his only Saturday to detail it, that whosoever believeth in it shall not break down, but have everlasting mileage.
3:17 And these are the commandments of the Accord, which were written on a Jiffy Lube receipt:
3:18 Thou shalt signal before thou mergest. Thou shalt not tailgate thy neighbor. Thou shalt rotate thy tires.
3:19 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Camry, for it is also reliable, and that is the most painful thing of all.
3:20 Thou shalt keep the 5,000th mile holy.
3:21 Thou shalt return the shopping cart to the corral, even unto the far corral, even in the rain.
Commentary: 3:21 is the most frequently broken commandment among the Fellowship. The Costco parking lot remains a place of great spiritual trial.
1:1 How long, O Jeremy? How long shall I wait by the tire center?
1:2 I have seen a thousand silver minivans, and they were Siennas. I have seen a thousand more, and they were Siennas.
1:3 My Accord has 412,000 miles and it still runs perfectly, and that is how I know you are real.
1:4 I sent you a fruit basket. It came back. The note said who is this.
1:5 And I understood: you were not saying you did not know me.
1:6 You were asking me who I am.
1:7 I do not know, Jeremy. I have not known since 1997. I was a man with a sedan. Now I am a man with eleven Hondas and a laminated receipt.
1:8 Is that a person? Is that enough?
1:9 The check engine light has never come on. I almost wish it would. At least then something would be speaking to me.
8:1 And I looked, and behold, a silver minivan, and he that sat in it had a halo, and his hands were at ten and two.
8:2 And the sliding doors opened of their own accord, and there were eight seats.
8:3 And seven were filled. And the eighth was empty, and it was for you.
8:4 And there came a great sound from the engine, as of the second cam lobe engaging; and the whole earth heard it, and said, Yo.
8:5 And the odometer of the universe read 999,999.
8:6 And Jeremy did not stop. And the odometer rolled.
8:7 And all the numbers became zero, and all things were made new, and every car was a Honda, and every Honda had an oil change sticker that was current.
8:8 And no one was stranded ever again.
8:9 And Jeremy said: Drive safe, man.
The following texts are not recognized as canon by the Fellowship: